By Rachel Davidson*
I had a graduate degree in international relations and was job hunting when on an extended stay in the Bahamas, I made some irresponsible choices. My pregnancy was the result of a one-night stand.
For me, abortion was not an option. I wasn’t ready to be a parent. At the same time, I wanted my child to have both a father and a mother. Adoption seemed to make the most sense.
Lessons from my journey
But things got hard. I had to withdraw from a classified government agency training program. To walk away from a lifelong dream was a crushing blow.
When I started to feel the baby move, I questioned how I would be able to part with my own flesh and blood. And there was the matter of choosing adoptive parents. I’d considered several couples, but I had ruled them all out for various reasons.
I moved to Florida to enter a Ph.D. university program. A woman at church noticed that I was pregnant. She was compassionate when I shared my circumstances, and related how she had placed her first child for adoption just two years earlier. It was helpful to see that she had had a positive experience. But she pushed me towards adoption. I found that I didn’t like another person’s ideas forced upon me. Life decisions were mine to make and mine to live with.
Nevertheless, I joined an adoption support group that met at a local pregnancy care center. Meetings motivated me to find the right direction for myself and my baby. Just one month before my due date, I told God I was willing to do whatever He wanted, but I needed confirmation from Him that I was making a decision that was best.
On instinct, I telephoned an adoptive couple I’d seen on a web site months earlier, but had originally discounted. I felt an immediate connection with Tom* and Ann.* As we talked, they casually shared their first choice for a girl’s name. It was one I had secretly chosen. To me, it was God’s sign to proceed with an open adoption.
I nearly backed out right after I gave birth. But by focusing on my baby, and what was best for her, I was able to sign adoption papers. The birth father was never found. His parental rights were terminated.
Each has an individual journey to take
Perhaps my experience could help someone else. That’s why I signed up to become a Birthmothers Friend. When I was matched with Courtney,* I was surprised at the similarity between our stories. Both of us were raised in Christian homes, had attended small Christian colleges and even had a passion for missions. Nevertheless, I knew from personal experience that Courtney had her own journey to take.
At the time, Courtney was living with her parents and didn’t have a job. Her biggest fear was that her friends, her neighbors and people at church would judge her and reject her when she told them about her pregnancy.
“I went through your situation just a year ago,” I told her. I was willing to give Courtney any support she needed, but I wouldn’t push my
opinions on her. We discussed kinds of jobs she could pursue, how to apply for Medicaid and ways to tell her friends about her pregnancy. A few weeks later, Courtney told me that she had shared her situation with a close friend. “I don’t feel so alone now,” she said. She had taken two job interviews and was scheduled for her first doctor’s appointment.
I left messages for Courtney several more times. But she had moved on.
Some women need a Birthmothers Friend throughout their pregnancy and beyond. Others need a Friend to get over one or two hurdles.
I was able to give Courtney what she needed during that particular part of her journey – a Friend who listened without judgment and gave support while she decided what her next step would be. Like me, she had special lessons to learn. And I’m grateful I could walk with her during that short season.
*name changed for confidentiality