By Amy R.*
I had just graduated from nursing school and ended a difficult relationship when I discovered I was pregnant. My first instinct was to try to get back together with Steve,* the birth father. But he made it clear that wasn’t going to happen. He was already seeing someone else and wanted nothing to do with me.
In fact, when I told Steve I was pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn’t do that. Instead, I considered different options. Adoption was one of them. But Steve told me, “There is no way I will let that happen.”
A Guy Friend — and the Difference He Made
Around that time, I heard about Birthmothers through my family. I called and asked if a guy Friend could meet with both Steve and me. I figured Steve might be more open to talking about the situation with a guy than a woman. Ultimately, I hoped that Steve would be convinced that adoption was okay. But at first, the idea of meeting with a guy Friend was to simply give Steve some things to think about so he wouldn’t be so adamantly set against adoption.
We met with Bill, a trained Friend, who is also an adoptive father. Bill shared with Steve the different reasons why adoption can be a positive thing. For one, Bill knows dozens of people – both men and women – who regret having an abortion. Adoption is an alternative to that pain, Bill told us. After that first meeting, I could see that Steve had softened a bit about the concept of adoption.
In the meantime, my pregnancy was progressing, and I’d moved forward with creating an adoption plan with the hope that Steve would cooperate. Birthmothers connected me with an adoption attorney. That’s when I learned that Steve could legally oppose the adoption if he chose to do so.
Because the situation was so uncertain, I investigated private adoption. On a whim, I sent an email to a former Bible study leader two states away, asking her if she knew any couples seeking to adopt. Within days, my inbox was jammed with more than 30 emails from prospective adoptive parents.
You can imagine my relief when Steve agreed to meet again with Bill, this time just the two of them. Afterwards, I repeatedly contacted him. Eventually, Steve told me he would not oppose adoption, as long as he did not have anything to do with it.
Friend Supported Me, Too
I set about choosing an adoptive family from the web of relationships I’d built online. Over the course of the next ten weeks, several invited me to visit. After a few false starts – even choosing one family, only to change my mind when it was clear they sought a closed adoption and I hungered for an open one – I settled on Kelly and Kyle. Throughout the process, Bill continued to text and call regularly with encouragement. In the meantime, lawyers advised Steve of his legal rights. Steve never responded. In the end, he received official notification of the legal adoption in person at his workplace.
Today, my baby daughter is in a loving adoptive family. I see her regularly. I’ve learned that a good relationship is crucial in an open adoption. But I also learned the power of a Friend. Where I couldn’t speak in a way my child’s birth father could hear, a guy Friend could do so. I’m grateful for the support that allowed my child to have a forever home.
If you or someone you know faces an unplanned pregnancy, encourage her to call our toll-free helpline:
1 (844) 772-4784. The call is free and confidential.
*Names changed for confidentiality